


Keep Time on Me

by maikurosaki



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Requited Unrequited Love, Swearing, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:29:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24038917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maikurosaki/pseuds/maikurosaki
Summary: Eddie knew,he knew, that he should open his mouth and confess everything. He’s been in love with Buck for months now and it’s been getting harder and harder to bury his feelings or to pretend they weren’t real. However, the risk of losing Buck was too great and Eddie couldn’t be selfish, not when Buck meant so much to Christopher as well. So he was dealing with it. Seriously, he was. But then the car accident happened.-Or a manual onhow to pine for your best friend, written by Eddie Diaz.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 52
Kudos: 451





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the wonderful song _If You Need To, Keep Time on Me_ by Fleet Foxes.  
> **  
> If you hover the cursor over the Spanish words, it will show the translation. For those of you reading on your phone, the translation can be found in the chapter's end notes.  
> **  
> Now with gorgeous [art](https://ronordmann.tumblr.com/post/629660960069681152/keep-time-on-me-by-maikurosaki-9-1-1-buddie) by the lovely [Ro_Nordmann](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ro_Nordmann/pseuds/Ro_Nordmann). Please follow the link and show all the love and praise it deserves. <3  
> **  
> Warning for a brief description of a car accident in this chapter.

[Art](https://ronordmann.tumblr.com/post/629660960069681152/keep-time-on-me-by-maikurosaki-9-1-1-buddie) by [Ro_Nordmann](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ro_Nordmann/pseuds/Ro_Nordmann)

“This is what I’m talking about, baby!”

Eddie winced, almost dropping the skillet back into the sink. He swung around and scowled at Buck, who made his way into the kitchen, heart-stopping smile and beautiful eyes sparkling with mischief. Instant syrupy warmth bloomed down inside Eddie’s belly at the sight of him, so he quickly returned his attention to washing the dishes, scrubbing the skillet a little harder than he should.

“Hey, Eddie!” A warm hand patted his left shoulder twice, leaving him breathless and branded.

“Hey, Buck!” Eddie refused to take his attention away from his dishes, not that this stopped Buck from leaning against the counter – he could feel his warm gaze on him and Eddie couldn’t breathe. It happened more often than not lately and it made him dizzy with dread and want in equal measure. “What got you so happy this early in the shift?”

“Nothing. Just that The Awesome Hot Firefighter Calendar –”

“It’s definitely not called The Awesome Hot Firefighter Calendar.”

“Then it most definitely should. Anyway, they have opened for submissions again and this year I’m going to claim back from Chimney the title of Hot Mr. April for sure.”

“Aren’t you a little overconfident?”

“Not this time. Gaby took some awesome pictures of me last month when they visited you. Check this out!” Bucky shoved the phone right in Eddie’s face and he had to blink several times to be able to focus on the actual picture. Taking in the details though, he swallowed hard, tongue suddenly stuck to the roof of his mouth. Buck was wearing his full gear, a determined look on his face as if he was about to face the whole world. Did he look – heroic? Kind? Someone that would have his back through thick and thin. Eddie bit the inside of his cheeks hard, glad that at least this year he was spared from half-naked pictures or counting calories.

“Looking good, Buck,” he admitted in a softer tone than he would have liked. “Wait a minute! When did my niece take this?”

“The last time they were in town. I took your sister and Gaby to lunch so I could ask Adriana for permission, don’t worry.” Buck ducked his head a little. “Then Gaby told me her ideas so she and Christopher helped most of the afternoon to take these. Your niece is a really awesome photographer, Eddie.”

“Are you saying that you used my family for cheap labor?”

“Hey, I promised a whole day out if I get to be chosen. Which, to be fair, I’m actually going to do, irrespective of whether I win or not. So don’t knock it off.”

“And when were you going to inform me of that?”

“I just did.”

“You’re incorrigible.”

“Please, it’s not my fault your niece is a genius with the camera. Seriously, man, we might have to look into scholarships for her or buy her a professional camera for Christmas, so that when she starts working for National Geographic or Associated Press, we can get her autograph for free and claim bragging rights.”

“I see you’ve planned this way ahead.” Eddie finished rinsing the pan and eyed the remaining dirty plates, before daring to look back at Buck. “Who says you’re going to be in the picture in fifteen years' time?”

“Oh, _puh-lease_ , it’s not like you don’t know we’re for life, baby!” Buck’s arm wrapped tightly around his shoulders, pulling him closer to his chest. Eddie didn’t blush, he really didn’t.

“It’s sounds like a life sentence for sure!”

“Shut up, Eddie, and admit it that you love me! You wouldn’t know what to do if I wouldn’t be around.”

“I’d have some peace and quiet for sure.”

“Hey now!”

“More pizza for me to eat, more beers to drink.”

“Cute! More than four slices of pizza and you’re looking green around the edges if you don’t get your garlic bread with it. Not to mention, you don’t drink more than four beers! Like ever!”

“That’s because of you!” Eddie pushed ineffectively at Buck’s iron arm, ignoring the way his heart beat faster.

“Then be glad that at least there’s someone’s taking care of your figure.”

“My figure is just fine, Buckley!”

“That’s what you think, Diaz!”

“Should I come back later?” Hen asked innocently, startling the both of them. Another effect of Buck: making Eddie completely forget that there was life outside of this firehouse and him. “I swear you’re worse than me and Karen! And we’re married, for goodness’ sake!”

“Eddie doesn’t appreciate my manly charm, Hen!” Buck took his arm away. For a staggering moment, Eddie’s world went off-kilter. He cleared his voice, unsure of what was wrong with him. Luckily, Buck didn’t pay any more attention to him as he headed to Hen, shoving his phone in her face too. “Check this out, Hen! This year’s title of the hottest firefighter is mine for sure!”

“Not this again!” However, despite her put upon tone, Hen checked the pictures and admitted that they weren’t as bad as the ones from the previous years.

Eddie sucked in a shaky breath as his friends forgot about him, Hen’s words ringing in his ears. His chosen family had become less than subtle in the recent months about their friendship and Eddie didn’t know what to think of it. He’d been so good at hiding his feelings from himself and from the others that at times, he thought that he had imagined the slow surge of want when Buck was around, the genuine affection that would crawl through his veins, thick like molasses, when the guy made a silly joke or played with Christopher or was just there for Eddie when he had needed him.

But then Buck would smile at him or would touch him and Eddie would catch fire in the most bittersweet way possible. His heart would soar and his hands would get clammy and Eddie wouldn’t know what to do with himself in those moments. Affection and happiness would pour through his every pore and he’d try his best to hide both because Eddie knew that this was his issue and his alone. He was already treating Buck like the life-partner he clearly didn’t want to be - he couldn’t go and complicate things between them.

He didn’t want to lose Buck. That was the ultimate truth guiding him - he’d lost too many people in his life; if he gave in to the temptation, then Buck would leave for sure. He would be kind and nice about it, but their friendship would change. An unbearable distance would gradually grow between them and sure enough, Eddie would lose his best friend, and Christopher would lose a man that had become like a second father to him. And his son didn’t deserve his father’s selfishness again.

Eddie had to be careful, bury these feelings deeper, pay more attention to what was going on around them because Buck’s obliviousness wasn’t going to last forever. So when Hen looked at him, unflinching gaze as if silently asking him what the hell he was doing, Eddie just pretended that he didn’t understand what his life was and slowly turned attention back to the sink.

He really needed to get a grip on his feelings.

**

Eddie learned the hard way what it meant to be a man. At least, what meant to be a man in his father’s opinion.

It hadn’t been an easy lesson to learn, surrounded by two sisters that consistently tried to teach him how to express himself, reiterating time and time again that his feelings weren’t invalid just because he was a man, that he had the right to cry and complain and moan about anything and everything. However, it didn’t take long to notice that his friends couldn’t comprehend his openness, perceiving it as a weakness that no real man could afford. His own father, whenever present, which wasn’t often, understood him even less.

Soon enough, Eddie learned when he was supposed to play the stoic unflinching man and when to let loose. The problem began when the former gradually became more than a role, more than a mask. It became his way of being. Even with Shannon, even when he was overflowing with happiness and love, he exercised a form of restraint that had baffled even him at times.

And then the war came and his chance to prove himself. Prove that he was a man’s man. The wild comradeship of war turned him into a brother in arms, a friend, a shoulder for people to lean on, a hero with a Silver Star and nightmares to show for it. Through it all, Eddie had been calm, had pushed his feelings aside. And when they surged at the surface, when the tight leash under which he kept them frayed, he still had rarely allowed himself moments of openness, of genuine emotion. Even when he returned home and Shannon left them – he was good at walking on. _Moving on_. Keep him and Christopher afloat, joggling between three jobs and sheer exhaustion. However, that was what a man was supposed to do.

Buck?

Buck was different. Buck would let himself be vulnerable in a way Eddie would never dare to. Buck carried his heart on his sleeve like a badge of honor. He allowed himself to cry when reuniting soldiers with their dear ones, when they saved people from awful situations, when Christopher did a drawing for him and told him that he loved his Bucky. Buck was all heart and kindness and affection and Eddie soaked in it like a desert through a one-hundred-year-old due rain.

Eddie didn’t talk about feelings. Buck did. Eddie didn’t talk about how upset and angry and scared he’d been without Buck during that time with the lawsuit, but Buck did – he picked up the courage to talk about it and helped Eddie confront his fears and his anger and slowly, because of Buck’s openness, they’d been able to put all the pieces of their friendship back together.

Buck had been the one to constantly push the boundaries in the most subtle way, forcing Eddie to confront his feelings, to analyze them, to be more open – with himself, with others – all the while re-learning that expressing oneself wasn’t a sign of weakness. Buck was the strongest of the two because he was dealing with his emotions, teaching Eddie about what it meant to be a good friend, a better father, and a better human being.

They’d talked about anything and everything during starry nights with a cold beer in their hands and lounging next to each other – Buck had talked more about his SEAL experience and Eddie had opened up a little about his military past. They had analyzed their romantic past. They talked about Shannon and Abby and Ali and one-night stands (more of Buck’s, less of Eddie’s – a difference that didn’t escape Eddie at the time, the bitter churn in his stomach a clear sign of indigestion and not jealousy, no matter what other people might say).

But...

In spite of the tentative openness he had discovered, Eddie didn’t mention his kiss with Mitchell as Eddie held his fellow soldier's guts from spilling down on the hot sand while waiting for the medical evacuation. He didn’t mention how his friend begged him, afraid that he might die, how he came clean about impossible feelings, how Eddie’s heart quivered and broke when he gave something to Mitchell, something he hadn’t meant to in the first place, and how he wasn’t able to look into Mitchell’s eyes afterward. How he felt those soft lips for days on end, surprising himself by touching his lips over and over.

How it took them three years to reunite when a chance meeting at the VA brought them back together. How his hand trembled, eager to reach, how Mitchell’s combat boots scuffed the floor, how they both blushed, how they awkwardly hugged and then laughed and looked into each other’s eyes and promised silently never to speak of that kiss ever again. How they still texted, every now and then, and looked after each other, although Mitchell was half a country away, a mechanic in Indianapolis and involved with a nurse – how Eddie had wondered in the lonely nights what might have been. What could have been.

But …

Buck mentioned his fling with Denis in college, his not so serious relationship with Marco. He talked about his lingering heartbreak from Abby, about the fact that he was tired of sleeping around, that he was tired of having meaningless sex, that he needed something more than waking up with a stranger in his bed. And throughout it all, Eddie listened, nodded, offered advice, a manly hug, a pat on the shoulder, and kept quiet, the ghost of Mitchell’s lips still hot and demanding, the shadow of Shannon’s embrace still lingering around his shoulders.

Buck was all heart and open feelings and light spilling generously everywhere.

Eddie was all brooding and flint eyes and calculated looks, affection kept in check.

Buck was left behind but he was still willing to try.

Eddie was left behind but he wasn’t willing to try anymore.

He’d take Buck as he was now – a best friend, a partner, a brother in arms – and bury his wishes of kissing him senseless deep within him.

Six years too late, Edmundo Diaz finally understood what Brian Mitchell had wanted from him back in the day.

**

“Hey, you all right?” Eddie startled so bad that Buck actually took a few steps back, immediately raising his hands in a non-threatening gesture, his eyes wide in shock.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. He took a deep breath, his heart thunderous in his chest. “I’m sorry,” he repeated again for good measure, “I was distracted.”

“I’d say that.” Buck came closer again with all the air of a man that was approaching a wild animal about to bite his head off.

Eddie hated that look. His family had kept a close eye on him upon discharge, wary of his reactions when even the slightest noise would spook him. Shannon had looked at him like that the first time she had caught him awake in the middle of the night, staring down at the table in the kitchen, unmoving and blank. He hated seeing Buck weary of his reaction – Buck who had just as many reasons to reckon with trauma, trapped under a firetruck or going through a tsunami as he had been.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie mumbled again. Buck’s hand came resting at the back of his neck, solid and anchoring in a way few things were in Eddie’s life these days.

“Hey, no, Eddie, come on! There’s no need for you to be sorry.” Buck came closer still. Eddie could feel the warmth of his body but for the life of him, he couldn’t make himself look up. Instead, he stared at their boots, facing each other, letting the heat of that hand sip through his bones and sinews. Like he was starved for it. “Are you okay?” Buck’s soft question rang like a secret that he didn’t want to share with anyone else.

“Yeah, just – you know – stuck in my head today.”

“Hey, that’s a scary place, man. You shouldn’t do that to yourself.” The joke landed lighter than a feather between them but it was enough to make Eddie look up through his eyelashes at Buck. His heart must have stopped in his chest because he couldn’t breathe.

Buck was much closer than Eddie had anticipated, his eyes a constellation of lapis lazuli flowers, boring into Eddie like they could read him, swallow him whole, spit him out better than he had ever been. He smelled so good and Eddie’s eyes flickered to Buck’s mouth. _He wanted_. He didn’t have experience with this sort of thing, well, no more than a dry and bloody kiss in the middle of sand dunes, but in that very moment? He wanted to try everything, as long as it was with Buck.

“I’m good.” The words came out unbidden. It wasn’t a lie. He’d never had an anchor before. Buck was his. He wasn’t afraid to admit that to himself. Still, those beautiful eyes softened further.

“But you’d tell me if that were to change?”

“Yes.” A white lie never hurt anyone.

“Good.” His fingers grazed Eddie’s nape almost lovingly as he took his hand away. Eddie shuddered and bit the inside of his cheek hard enough to bruise and bleed. Otherwise, words would spill out of him, unbidden and real, scary words but true. Yet they would change everything between them. They would break the only meaningful relationship that he had in the last few years and he couldn’t.

_He couldn’t._

**

“Hey, want to come over this evening?” Eddie asked at the end of their shift, the sun shining brightly in the parking lot at the back of the firehouse. He threw his bag on the backseat and turned to Buck. “You, me, Christopher, and all you can eat tacos?”

“Uhm, sorry, I can’t today.” Buck bit his lip and closed the door of his car. Eddie leaned against the truck, feeling exhaustion creeping in, but somehow still finding enough resources to smile to his best friend.

“You tired of us or something?” he asked only half-jokingly when Buck kept on fidgeting with the keys to his car.

“No, nothing like that.” The bright and honest light of Buck’s eyes shone brighter than the sun. “I just – well, the thing is, uhm, I have a date.” Caught wrong-footed, Eddie must have not been fast enough to school his features because Buck frowned and immediately began to ramble, “It’s nothing special, but both Maddie and Josh have been talking about one of their co-workers for ages and they kept on insisting I should get back in the game and I finally caved and –”

“Buck,” Eddie caught up immediately on his error and hurried to correct it with a reassuring squeeze of Buck's shoulder, “you’re allowed to date.”

“Yeah. I mean I know that but I don’t want you to think that I’m abandoning you and Christopher or even that -”

“I’d never think that, Buck. Seriously, you are allowed to have a personal life apart from me and Christopher.” Eddie comforted Buck, his thumb gently drawing invisible arches on the exposed skin above the collar of Buck’s t-shirt, before taking his hand away and crossing both his arms over his chest, ignoring the way his stomach plummeted. He had to be a good friend. It was the least he could do for the man that at this point was co-parenting his kid with. “So what’s her name and where are you taking her?”

“Uhm,” Buck looked down and sideways, his foot scuffing a little at the pavement. “Actually, his name is Charlie and I’m taking him to that Italian bistro we went last month.”

“DeLuca’s?”

“Yeah.”

“Sounds good. The food is great there and the ambiance isn’t bad either.”

Buck bit his lip and looked up at him. How Eddie could be so calm when his world was crashing down around him, he had absolutely no idea. But there was a sort of calm that poured ice into his veins, enough to make him be honest with Buck, enough to help him be a good friend even when he least wanted to.

“You don’t mind?” And ladies and gentlemen and non-binary people, this was definitely the one million question, wasn’t it?

“Why should I? Buck, come on, I’m well aware of the fact that you are bisexual. You really are entitled to date whoever you want and my opinion shouldn’t matter either way.” Eddie smiled. _Dios_ , he hoped that it came out as a smile and not as grimace because Buck really didn’t need his best friend to pitch a fit because he had just accepted a date.

“I know, I know, but you’re my best friend and I want to make sure you’re okay with that.”

“I’m absolutely okay with you dating whoever you want. We’re not connected at the hip, despite what Chim and Hen might claim.” Buck chuckled and Eddie could almost breathe through the vice that suddenly constricted every breath he was taking. “But call me if you need me to bail you out or something.” Eddie clapped him on the shoulder again before letting him go. “Look, I have to go and grab a few hours of sleep before Carla picks up Christopher from school and drops him home. Call me and let me know how it went tonight.”

“It might be tomorrow morning.”

It took him several seconds to catch the meaning of Buck’s words. “Yeah, sure. Of course.” The bile at the back of his throat burnt sudden and bitter. “Be careful tonight. And of course, enjoy!”

“You too.”

“Please, eight to ten hours in my own bed tonight with no alarm blearing during that time? What’s not to enjoy?!” Eddie gave him a tiny smile, hoping it got as reassuring as it could.

“Wanna grab lunch tomorrow?” Buck asked a little desperately, his hand catching Eddie by the wrist. It burnt in the softest way, the sort of touch that Eddie craved all the time. Any point of contact between them would break him up into the tiniest pieces and put him back together in the sweetest way.

“Of course, Buck,” Eddie replied, keeping his voice steady and warm. “Call me when you’re on the way.”

“Want to make a day out of it? Pick up Chris from school and have some ice cream after?”

“Yeah, I’d like that.” Buck let him go, Eddie missing his touch instantly. “Have fun tonight. I hope everything goes well.” Because it wasn’t a lie. More than anything, Eddie couldn’t be selfish with Buck’s happiness. He really wished the date would work out for him, he was well aware of how much Buck wanted a significant other.

“Thanks, Eddie. I’ll speak to you later, okay?”

“Sure thing, Buck. Take care.”

Eddie got into his car and waved awkwardly at his friend then started the engine and exited the parking lot without looking back. He joined the horrible morning traffic in LA and concentrated on driving, not paying attention to the radio, his mind on a loop. He actually managed to get home faster than he expected. He turned the engine off and looked out on the windshield at his little house, unseeing and unmoving.

_Fuck fuck fuck_

He slammed his hand against the steering wheel hard enough to hurt. “Fuck!” His harsh breaths echoed inside the silent cabin of his pick up truck as he clutched the steering wheel in a white-knuckled grip and held on. A terrible sense of foreboding clawed at his heart. Fuck, he was going to lose Buck! This fucking Charlie guy was going to see how amazing Buck was, what a kind heart he had. Not to mention how handsome he was! One had to be insane to lose a man like Buck and Eddie wasn’t going to be able to do anything about it other than grin and bear it. There was one aspect of the whole story that saved his sanity – he loved Buck hard enough and strong enough to genuinely wish him happiness. He wanted to see Buck have all the romantic experiences he craved for.

What could Eddie possibly give him anyway? He wasn’t sure how things would work out between them, there was so much to lose (yet so much more to gain); he hadn’t been attracted to a man before Buck and the uncertainty of how the physical side of their relationship was going to work added even more to Eddie’s worries.

 _Lie, such a lie_. There were times when his mind kept going in circles about how Buck's lips would feel when touching his lips, about how it would be to kiss him everywhere. How he’d soaked in his touches, how Buck could be patient and dismantle every doubt that Eddie might have about them. How they could make out for hours, map each other's body with a sort of gentleness that Eddie associated only with Buck. There had been moments when Eddie had wanted nothing more than to be selfish about Buck, when he just wanted to kiss the daylights out of him, press him down, touch him everywhere, swallow him whole and let his taste linger on his lips for days and days. But reason had always prevailed.

Besides, Buck didn’t need the baggage with which Eddie would join their relationship: the trauma of the war, the marriage that failed even before Shannon died, not to mention Eddie’s inexperience with anything that meant dealing with his profound feelings of inadequacy and self-worth, of not being enough.

 _Fuck_ , he’d need to be stronger, harder. School his features better. He couldn’t lose Buck as a friend too. He would be supportive and give good advice and try to cherish the short time they would have together.

Yes. Eddie took a shuddering breath, then another. He had been taught to bury his feelings over and over again. He could do this again. He sucked in another deep breath. He could do this.

_Fuck fuck fuck_

No, he couldn’t do this. This was breaking his heart. He should say something. Abruptly, he grabbed his phone and unblocked it, searching for Buck’s number, his thumb hovering over it. _Open your fucking mouth, Eddie! For once in your goddamn life! Just say you want to try. Just tell him you want him to kiss you and only you. That you want to date him. You want so badly to date him. Just say anything. Don’t go to that date! Be with me. I’ll be – what? Be what?_

Eddie ran his fingers through his hair, pulling hard at it, staring at the phone in his trembling and clammy hand. _But what if?_ What if Buck said that Eddie was confused, that what they had was a great friendship, but nothing more? That he loved Christopher and yeah, he might play the dotting co-parent, but that was it? That he’d never thought of Eddie that way. That he never would.

Eddie stared at Buck’s name on the screen, at his number, sick with worry, a cold sweat breaking on his skin.

Half an hour later he was still there, staring at the phone, daring himself to just call that number.

An hour later, his phone was resting on his nightstand as Eddie chose to stare at the ceiling in his bedroom instead. It was less likely to break his heart.

**

“Daddy, are you okay?” Christopher’s question pulled him out of his revelry. Guilty, Eddie looked up at his son, his hands frozen in mid-movement. He wiped at his face and then smiled at his son.

“Yeah, kid, sorry.” Eddie offered him a shaky smile. “Just thinking.”

“You miss Buck?” Christopher tapped his hand in reassurance. “I miss him too.”

“Yeah?” Eddie poignantly ignored the phone on the counter and began putting plates back to their place. He wasn’t a great cook but even he couldn’t mess up chicken and rice.

“Yeah. Buck gives the best hugs.” Chris smiled turned cheeky when Eddie chuckled.

“Really? I see how this goes now. He gives the best hugs, huh? Well then, I’ll just have to start giving you better ones.” Eddie bent down and scooped his son into a tight hug that made Christopher giggle happily. He sat him down again and ruffled his hair. “Don’t worry, kid. Me and Buck are going to come and pick you up from school tomorrow. Maybe grab some ice cream together.”

“Really? Yay!” Christopher threw his arms up in the air. “Can I get two scoops?”

“Already negotiating?” Eddie shook his head, smiling lovingly at his son.

“Strawberry and chocolate.” Chris smiled right back. “And you should get vanilla and chocolate mint.”

“So you can steal some from me?”

“Yeah.” Christopher reached for his glass of juice and drank some. “Dylan says that his mom always chooses other flavors so they could share between them.”

“I see. But if I remember correctly, Dylan doesn’t like chocolate ice cream.”

Christopher grimaced and Eddie had to hide his chuckle behind a cough. Chocolate was a serious business in the Diaz household. “He only likes fruity flavors.” Christopher shook his head as if disappointed by his best friend. “Just like Pepa. She likes vanilla more than chocolate.” Chris tapped his chin thoughtfully. “But Buck loves chocolate.”

“Which, I’m guessing, is a good thing.”

“Of course, Dad.”

“What if he liked vanilla more than chocolate?”

“I’d love Buck anyway. Because Buck is Buck. And plus, Abuela always says to love people and be kind to them always.”

Eddie’s heart gave a painful lurch. “Abuela is right, we should always be kind.”

Eddie cleaned up the kitchen while Christopher drank his juice and kept on chatting about his adventures with Dylan. He let his son’s chatter wash over him soothingly, trying to take his mind away from where Buck was and with whom he was.

They were just about to settle down on the couch with some popcorn and _Finding Nemo_ when his phone rang. He grabbed his phone so fast he almost pulled a muscle, but disappointment burnt hot and bitter when he noticed that it was just his Abuela. Eddie cleared his voice before he answered the phone call.

“Hola, abuelita. ¿Cómo estás?”

For the next few minutes, they talked about her mobility (much improved since the physio), the steps at the back of the house (in need of repairs, and Eddie had to find time one of these days to check them) and his work schedule and when she could have Christopher overnight (this weekend as Eddie was working). But it wasn’t hard for her to pick up that something was wrong with him and when there was the next lull into the conversation, she couldn’t help but ask,

“Edmundo, are you going to tell me what upset you or do I have to pry the words out of you with those jaws of life that your son keeps telling me about?”

Eddie swallowed thickly. He checked to make sure that Christopher was sitting comfortably on the couch watching his beloved Nemo and then stood up, his attention back to the conversation at hand, keeping his voice lower than usual.

“You know, I might be old but I am not senile, querido.” His grandmother sighed. “Honestly, you were never good at hiding your feelings, not from me anyway. And I can hear from miles away that something sits heavy on your heart.”

“I’m just tired, Abuela, I promise.”

“Edmundo.”

Eddie bit his lip, checked on Christopher one more time before making his way into the kitchen. The stress of the day coupled with his worry brought him to his knees at last. “Buck is on a date tonight,” he admitted in the semi-darkness of the room, easier to be honest on the phone, away from his Abuela’s keen eyes. “With another man.”

“I see.” A small break and then a soft sigh. “And you’re upset because you wanted him to be on a date with you.”

“Yes.” The stunning admission left Eddie breathless. The words – said out loud for the first time – gained suddenly a completely different dimension, whole new implications that didn’t sit well with him. “Please, don’t be upset, Abuela. Please, don’t –”

“Edmundo Diaz, you have another thing coming if you think that I’m upset just because you admitted having feelings for your best friend.” The sternest of her voice made him smile despite the painful clench of his chest. “I’d be more upset with you if you were a bad man or a grosero but not because you love Buck. Never for that, do you understand that?”

“Si, abuela.” Eddie’s throat felt suddenly tight and dry, tears burning at the back of his eyes, begging to be released. He pinched the bridge of his nose hard and took a deep breath. “Te quiero muchísimo, abuelita.”

“¡Yo también! Siempre!” Eddie grabbed the counter with his free hand and gripped it tight, letting her love and easy acceptance to wash over him in soothing waves. “ _Ay amor_ , since you were little, you always kept your heart close to your chest. Always the stoic man, reliable and calm. And I wondered if you’d ever manage to find someone that could be there for you the way you’ve always been there for us. I was so happy when I finally got to meet Buck. Because I could tell straight away.”

“You could tell what?”

“That he’d be good for you. There should be no shame into loving a man that has always been there for you, a man that loves Christopher like a father, that had saved his life and yours too. You shouldn’t be ashamed or afraid to express your feelings.”

“Abuela, I’m not ashamed of my feelings.”

“But you’re afraid.”

“Yes. There’s so much to lose.”

“But so much to gain.”

“Yeah, but,” he tightened his grip on the phone, “he doesn’t feel the same way for me. He loves me, yes, but as a friend. And he loves Christopher. And I wouldn’t do anything that might jeopardize that. Buck means too much for us to risk losing him just because I, uhm, well, because I have feelings for him.”

“I understand that. I’m not saying it’s an easy decision, Eddie.” He could hear her hesitation as her voice turned softer still. “But I think that Buck wouldn’t leave you two. Even if he doesn’t feel the same for you – which to be honest, I doubt it because I’ve seen that boy with you – he’d never cut you off from his life.”

“I don’t want to lose him.”

“You won’t.”

“But what if I do?”

“You won’t. Not everyone leaves, Eddie. Some people do stay.”

“My experience has been otherwise.” He couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice and his abuela picked up on it immediately.

“Edmundo,” she said, “don’t be ungrateful. Since you’ve moved to LA, you found another family with your firefighter colleagues and Buck and Carla and everyone else. You speak with your captain more than you speak with your own father. They pulled through for you when you needed them the most. Not just Buck. Everyone. People stay. They’ve proved you that time and time again. Maybe the problem isn’t that you don’t believe people can stay. Maybe the problem is that you don’t believe that because, at some point, you left too.”

“Abuela, I –”

“¡No seas terco! You need to have faith in people, Eddie, otherwise, you’ll teach Christopher to do distrustful too. And this isn’t a lesson that you want your son to learn.”

“Of course I don’t want that for Christopher.”

“Then?” She sighed again. “Look, all I’m saying is that you need to open up to Buck about your feelings. It isn’t a decision that you have to take tonight. But you should do it soon. Living life like you’re planning to at the moment sounds like a nightmare. I don’t want that for you.”

“I know.”

“You’ve always been so brave. Since you were little. And all I want for you is to be happy. Buck makes you happy. So try and fight for that happiness.”

“I’ll try.”

“That’s all I want.” Her smile was audible when she added, “Now pass me Christopher. I need to have a chat with my favorite nieto.”

“Should you even admit that?”

“Well, that’s a secret that should stay between the two of us.”

Eddie chuckled. “Sure, abuelita. Te quiero.”

“¡Yo también!”

Eddie got out of the kitchen and gave the phone to Christopher, who chatted happily with his Abuela, all the while as Eddie sat on the couch next to him and wondered whether Buck was having a great time. And whether he would ever have the courage to do what his grandmother advised him.

There had been times when Eddie had taken the coward’s way out. When he married Shannon because he loved her, even though he wasn’t ready for such a huge commitment. He’d been a faithful husband but had left as soon as he was able to. When Christopher had been diagnosed with CP and he had re-enlisted. When he moved half a country to be closer to Shannon and yet unable to make contact with her. When he lived side by side with Buck for what felt like ages, when they’d rescued each other more times than he could count; when they there for each other and let him be a second father to Christopher without actually admitting the huge commitment he demanded from Buck.

This too… this too felt like he was being a coward.

**

“Okay, kid, have a good day at school!” Eddie hugged his son and kissed the crown of his head. “Love you!”

“Love you too, Dad!” Christopher replied and then slowly made his way over to the main entrance of the school, his friend Dylan in tow. Eddie checked his phone one more time to make sure that he didn’t have any missed calls from Buck before making his way to his truck.

Something hot and bitter uncoiled in his belly, the pain almost physical. Eddie rubbed at his chest before getting inside the car. He needed to focus on his damn errands, grab some groceries, maybe do one more round of laundry before Buck joined him for lunch. If he joined him at all. Maybe his date with Charlie went so well that the guy decided to stay for Buck’s day off as well. Fucking Charlie!

Eddie took a deep breath as his car joined the morning LA traffic. He really needed to chill – Buck was going to call him and let him know how well it went and Eddie would put his big boy pants and be glad for his friend and not mention the fact that he’d been staring at his phone over and over again like a damn lunatic.

His phone rang just as he stopped at a red light, making his heart jump. The disappointment felt bitter and raw when he noticed it was his sister, Adriana. He made sure that his phone was fixed carefully in its console before answering, “Good morning, Adriana!”

“And good morning to you too, mi hermanito! ¿Que pasó? You didn’t have your tenth cup of coffee this morning?”

“Not all of us are morning people.”

“Please, you wake up at five every day! How many more mornings do you need to become a morning person? Tell me, how many cups of coffee have you had already?”

“Just two! And if you called to mock me and my addiction to coffee this morning, you can hang up now. I have already Dios on the other line with the terrible and unusual punishment that LA traffic is.”

“That bad?” Eddie could almost hear his sister’s wince. He looked ahead and yeah, he was going to catch the red light at least three more times.

“You don’t want to know. So want to tell me instead why you called me this morning?”

“Can’t I call mi hermano querido and see how he’s doing?”

“Oh, is this how it’s going to be?”

“I have no clue what you’re talking about.” She chuckled softly and Eddie smiled in return, knowing his sister all too well. “But now that you’re mentioning it…,” she trailed off when he groaned in despair as his truck moved a little further.

“Aha, I knew it!”

“Oye, cállate y escucha,” she huffed before adding, “You know it’s Dad’s birthday next month and Sophia and I were thinking of maybe organizing a surprise birthday party. Invite Tío Carlos and the family? Basically, making a big family reunion out of it.”

“Sounds good. But it all depends on what weekend you had in mind.” Eddie’s thumbs played a slow rhythm on the steering wheel. “You know it’s not easy to take days off on such short notice.”

“I know, that’s why I was thinking that we should talk to you first and then, depending on what weekend you can come up with, we’ll take it from there.”

“What about Tío Carlos?”

“He said that it should be easier to arrange some time off for him. He can ask Diego to cover for his shift, worst comes to worst. Basically, it all depends on you, hermanito.”

“Ugh, stop calling me that! But, yeah, okay. I’ll try and see if I can switch a couple of shifts with someone else. I’ll let you know as soon as I can.”

“You see? It wasn’t that bad.” Eddie rolled his eyes just as the lights turned green again. Five more cars managed to get through before it turned to red again. At this pace, he was going to arrive home tomorrow.

“Yeah, yeah, it wasn’t too bad.” He and Dad still didn’t see eye to eye when it came to his life in LA but at least he had stopped insisting on returning to El Paso every damn phone call and now he was more interested in Christopher’s progress at school.

“Don’t forget to let me know as soon as possible! There’s a lot to do and not much time left.”

“I said I will.”

“Fine.” Her eye-roll was almost audible across the line. “Give Chris a hug from me, grumpy!”

“I’m not grumpy.”

“Sure thing, grumpy,” she sing-singed and seriously, who needed sisters? “Love you, grumpy!

“Adriana, I swear to God –” Her laughter was still ringing in his car before she hung up. Eddie stared at the phone in disbelief before returning his attention to the green light and the two cars that started the move ahead. Finally, he could get a move on and –

The truck came out of nowhere, all speed and doom as it crashed into the right side of the truck. Eddie’s neck gave a painful wrench as the sudden crunch of metal propelled his car to the other side of the road, the force of the impact so harsh that his body was joggled like a rag doll without any strings. A wave of excruciating pain instantly took his breath away as his head smashed against the side window, shards and metal debris flying everywhere. His body jolted hard, as if electrocuted, and a sickening crunch in his left shoulder made him shout out loud.

His car must have skidded across the street several feet before it finally stopped, not that Eddie was much aware of what the hell was going on around him. His head was pounding, making him nauseous, his stomach churning painfully. Something thick and warm trickled down on the left side of his face.

He groaned and tried to move but immediately sobbed, “ _Fuck_!” Pain instantly flatlined any desire to make the smallest move.

“Don’t move, don’t move!” A panic voice repeated several times. Eddie groaned in assent, though he couldn’t make much of what was going on around him. A sea of loud and cacophonous sounds engulfed him, his ears ringing with the pain and the hard impact of it. He groaned again, dread pushing thick like molasses through his veins.

 _Christopher_. Was Christopher all right?”

“You’re alone in the car, sweetheart,” a gentle voice answered him. It shouldn’t take him so much effort to open his eyes and when the heavy lids obeyed him at last, Eddie realized confusedly that he could see only with the right one. The left must have been swollen shut. He blinked several times before he dared to look through the shattered window to a kind-looking woman, who checked his pulse. “Christopher is fine,” she repeated when she saw him staring at her. “He’s safe.”

“S’ safe,” he whispered, throat dry and sore.

“That’s right, baby! Now you just need to worry about yourself. You try and stay awake, you hear now?” Her jagged smile did little to hide her worry.

“Hurts.” Everything hurt. The whole left side of the body felt like it went to a compressor.

“I know, baby, I know, but you have to stay awake. Help is on its way.” She gently checked his head wound again and looked as if she wanted to press something to his face but changed her mind and resolved into keeping an eye on him. He winced and moaned again. “I’m sorry, baby. Don’t move. Try and hang on, okay?” She bit her lip and looked over her shoulder to see whether the promised help had arrived. There were a few other people in the background but they seemed to be content into keeping a distance, gawking at the metal debris. “Wanna tell me who’s Christopher?”

“My son.” Oh Dios, his son! Who was going to pick him up from school? No one would know that he was here! No one would know what to do! Fuck, Christopher was going to think that his father abandoned him or something! Harsh sobs shattered the silence of the wreckage. _Dios, no!_ He was a terrible father! He should have –

“Stop panicking over nothing, sweetheart! You’re going to see him again,” she added quickly, misunderstanding his fear. “Don’t you worry! Just take a breath! Slowly, baby, slowly.”

Eddie took a shuddering breath, the pain not as constricting as before. He was slipping away. His vision was turning black at the edges and he didn’t know how much longer he was going to take this.

“Chris’opher,” he mumbled, afraid that he might lose consciousness soon. “Tell Chris – Buck – love them.”

“Don’t you worry, baby! You’re going to tell them yourself! Help has arrived.”

How was this woman so kind to him? Was she an angel or something?

“No angel, darling.”

“Kind.”

“Thank you, sweetheart. You look like a decent guy too, underneath all this blood and bruises.”

“M’ Eddie.” He closed his eye a little before opening it again and looking back at the kind woman.

“And I’m Helen.” She stared at something over her shoulder again, then smiled back at him in stark relief. “The paramedics are here. They’ll take care of you.”

“Thank you.”

“No need to thank me, baby. You stay strong now, you hear?” Helen took her hand away and stepped aside to let the paramedics do their work.

“Fuck, Eddie?”

Eddie blinked several times before he recognized the face that stared at him in utter dismay. “Lena…“

“Jesus Christ! Hold on, Eddie!” She looked above the car. “Lynch, notify the 118. Let Captain Nash know that the victim is one of his men. It’s Eddie Diaz.”

“Thank you,” Eddie mumbled, more relieved now that he knew that his captain was going to be notified. He’d make sure that Christopher was fine, that someone would pick him up from school. That Aunt Pepa wasn’t going to be left alone with shielding Christopher away from all of this and ensuring he was okay. Bobby really had a way with words so it would be great if he’d speak to his family too. And Buck!

 _Buck_ … he was going to be so upset. Buck had a huge heart – he cared about Eddie and Eddie loved him and he was going to lose him and Christopher was going to lose the both of them and….

“No, no, no!” Lena was almost halfway into the car. “I didn’t tell them that so you can slip into oblivion, asshole.”

“M’ injured.”

“No shit, Sherlock!” The worried pinch of Lena’s eyebrows swam in Eddie’s blurry vision field. “Hang on tight! I’ll check you quickly and then Reilly here is going to use the jaws to get you out.”

“M’tired.”

“Of course you’re tired. A fucking truck smashed into your car. Your job is just to hang in there. You hear?”

“Yes.” Eddie blinked sluggishly. “Tired.” He stared at Lena’s pale face as she carefully put the collar to his neck and checked his vitals again. The world moved sluggishly around him, viscous and opaque, slipping away until at last Eddie succumbed to the exhaustion that had wanted to claim him all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes left, English is my second language and, taking into consideration the current situation in the world, I didn't want to bother anyone with the editing of this story. Also, my Spanish is rusty so please let me know if there are any mistakes so I can correct them. :)
> 
> **Translation:**  
>  Hola, abuelita. ¿Cómo estás? – _Hello, grandma. How are you?_  
>  Querido – _Darling_  
>  Grosero – _Rude person_  
>  Si, abuela. […] Te quiero muchísimo, abuelita. – _Yes, grandma. […] I love you very much, grandma._  
>  ¡Yo también! Siempre! – _Me too! Always!_  
>  Ay amor – _Oh love_  
>  ¡No seas terco! – _Don’t be stubborn!_  
>  Nieto – _Grandson_  
>  Te quiero – _I love you_  
>  Mi hermanito – _My little brother_  
>  ¿Que pasó? – _What happened?_  
>  Mi hermano querido – _My dear brother_  
>  Oye, cállate y escucha – _Hey, shut up and listen_  
>  Hermanito – _Little brother_  
>  Tío – _Uncle_


	2. Chapter 2

The world seemed muted the first time Eddie woke up properly in the hospital.

The curtains were pulled tight, a small sliver of light cutting the semi-darkness of the room on the opposite wall. The machines beeped, muffled in the background, keeping the ruckus to a minimum. He swallowed hard, his throat tight and dry like sandpaper. He was almost standing up, the back of his hospital bed pulled up to keep him upright – in his addled state, Eddie wondered whether someone had set a barbell on his chest as it sure as hell felt like it. He patted his chest with his healthy hand, the wrapping of his chest visible through the thin material. So was his shoulder, the entire left arm held tight against the shoulder.

He groaned as he moved his right hand and touched his head, filling around the white gauze and his swollen left eye, mindful of the drip and the other wires attached to his chest. He must have have been knocked pretty badly which would explain the way his ears felt stuffed with cotton, mind fuzzy. He carefully rested his arm beside him, the medication he was on silencing the world around him.

Eddie closed his good eye again. He had regained consciousness in the ambulance so he’d been awake as the doctors kept on prodding and pricking and testing for everything, answering their questions, his tongue thick and clumsy. He frowned. He remembered the CT scan and the X-rays, people moving vaguely around him, throwing medical terms at him as they sutured and wrapped and tested, but not much else.

He scooted a little, attempting to find a better position but decided immediately that it wasn’t a good idea at all as his left shoulder twinged painfully. A wave of nausea washed over him, punching another groan out of him. He clenched his teeth in a feeble attempt to keep himself from throwing up.

“Hey, Eddie, you’re up!”

Eddie turned his head slowly to his right and became aware of his captain’s presence at last. In wonder, he watched as Bobby wiped at his sleep-marred face and pulled the chair closer to the bed. He looked exhausted beyond belief – crumpled in the chair, he appeared diminished, as if he’d been staying there forever, pale skin and thin smile.

“Bobby?” The name came out garbled and raw.

“Hey, bud.” Bobby’s tender voice washed over Eddie. His captain rubbed the sleep away and leaned closer. “Welcome back.”

“Christopher?” Eddie asked, swallowing thickly past the sudden lump in his throat.

“All taken care of.” Bobby’s smile was a tiny thing, feeble and wan. “Buck picked him up from school and lied that you were called in at work as an emergency back-up. We didn’t know whether you wanted to tell him about the accident.” At Eddie’s soft _no_ , Bobby’s smile got a little wider and nodded. “That’s what Buck thought. Spent most of the afternoon with him and then dropped him off to your grandmother. Your Aunt Pepa went home a couple of hours ago with the strong promise of returning first thing later on today.”

Eddie closed his healthy eye in sharp relief. Christopher was going to be all right. Nothing else mattered – his son was being cared for and, for the time being, was spared the stress of finding out just how close he had been to lose another parent. Eddie frowned at the mere idea of it and then asked for his own peace of mind, “Buck?”

“I see you have your priorities straight.” Bobby smiled softly. “He’s all right.”

“You sure?” Eddie tried to swallow again but it made him cough, a deep ache resonating across his entire chest. “ _Ow_ ,” he moaned like Christopher when he had been five and had had tonsillitis. Bobby grabbed a glass of water from the nightstand and put a straw in before helping Eddie take small sips from it. The cool liquid seemed to clear his mind as well and thanked Bobby as he gratefully leaned back against his pillow.

“He’s not doing well,” Bobby admitted, keeping his voice level. “He just left to grab some coffee and sandwiches about half an hour ago. I had to get him out of here if only for a short while. He’s going to be really angry when he finds out that you woke up and he wasn’t here.” Eddie’s lips twitched but Bobby’s solemn face leveled down any tentative humor. “You scared the crap out of us, Eddie.”

“Sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

Tiredness was creeping at the edges of his consciousness again and he wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to speak but he had to ask, “Was the accident my fault?”

“No.” The vehemence was startling enough to convince Eddie that Bobby was telling the truth. Besides, Cap was never the one to lie to them, one of the many things that Eddie appreciated about him. “It’s not official yet, but they think it might be faulty traffic lights actually. There were multiple witnesses attesting to that, including the driver of the truck. Basically, you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“The other driver?”

“A little banged up but nothing major.” Bobby pinched the bridge of his nose. “No other victims. Looks like you’re the only one banged up.”

Eddie closed his eye. “M’glad.” Thoughts floated in his mind, light like snowflakes, difficult to pin down. A new sort of peace descended upon him, knowing that Christopher was all right and that Buck was somewhere close. The struggle to keep awake was proving difficult so he opened his eye again. His voice sounded hoarse when he asked, “What’s the damage?”

“Dislocated shoulder, bruised ribs, concussion, you name it, kid. Luckily, no major damage, no broken bones. An orthopedic doctor will come later on this afternoon to discuss about the shoulder – he said you might need a minor corrective surgery since this is the second time you dislocated it.” Bobby sighed and wiped at his face, his voice laden with worry when added, “It could have been much worse.”

The uncomfortable and bitter churn of his stomach made Eddie take in the man that had become like a father to him in recent months, the worried pinch of his eyebrows, the clenched quality of his jaw, worry pouring through every pore of his being. Gratefulness and affection washed over Eddie, overwhelming and genuine. “Thank you, Bobby. Thank you for sticking around.”

“It wasn’t just me, Eddie.” This time, Bobby’s smile turned up a notch. “I sent everyone home a few hours ago because some of them had a shift coming on. But they were all here for you and supported your aunt.” Bobby carefully grabbed his forearm and squeezed gently. “We’re a family and family sticks together.”

It was difficult to swallow past the sudden lump in his throat but somehow Eddie managed to do it. The sudden surge of emotion swirled dizzyingly around him. “Thank you, Bobby.”

“Nothing to thank me for. We’re here for you. That being said, be prepared for visits. They all wanted to check up on you.”

“M’okay.”

“I know you are, Eddie, but that doesn’t mean others won’t try to confirm that with their own eyes.”

Eddie was just about to insist he was fine when the door to his hospital room opened quietly and Buck made an entrance, carrying a small paper bag that smelled delicious and fresh coffee. He closed the door and turned around when he suddenly froze. Thinking on his feet, Bobby let go of Eddie and quickly grabbed the paper cup before Buck would drop it.

“You’re awake.” Each word sounded as if Buck had been flayed open; in fact, his best friend looked as if he was put through a vice. Eddie’s heart ached and ached and ached.

“I’m okay,” Eddie said soothingly. Bobby snorted next to him when it was clear that his words had the opposite of their intended effect. Because Buck looked like he was about to break down right then and there, still frozen in front of the door, unsure of how to react. Cap stood up and grabbed the paper bag from his other hand and went out the room but not before he gently nudged Buck with his shoulder.

“I’m okay,” Eddie said again, his voice going for soothing and calm but coming out a little strangled.

“How the hell are you okay?” Buck’s voice broke towards the end, his hands reaching for him, yet hovering over his body, seemingly unable to let them rest anywhere. He sat in the chair that Bobby had just vacated, wiping his hands on his jeans several times, as if he wanted to grab at Eddie with all his might and he didn’t know whether that was allowed or not. Worry, exhaustion, pain – they all marred Buck’s all too-expressive face, hiding nothing, leaving him oddly vulnerable, though it was Eddie who was in a hospital bed.

The pain that had been muted when he woke up grew a little sharper, making everything become clearer. Eddie reached towards Buck with his healthy hand and his best friend immediately grabbed it, linking their hands together in a possessive grip. The moment stretched on between them as they held on to each other.

“I’m okay, Buck. It could have been much worse.”

“Eddie, shut up, ‘cause you’re really not helping.” And yeah, even with one eye swollen shut, Eddie couldn’t possibly miss Buck’s liquid eyes, his shallow rapid breathing. “Fuck, Eddie!” Buck covered Eddie’s with his other hand and gently pulled their hands to his forehead, squeezing harder. Eddie’s entire world narrowed down to that single point of contact between the two of them. “I thought I’d lost you,” Buck admitted in a small voice that did nothing to soothe Eddie’s own worries.

“But you didn’t, Buck. I’m really okay.”

“Eddie,” his best friend glared at him from above their locked hands, “you are literally covered in cuts and bruises and you look like an extra in _The Mummy_ remake. You can’t possibly tell me that you’re okay.”

“Hey, hey,” his thumb drew soothing invisible arches on Buck’s hand, “like Bobby said, it could have been worse.” Buck pointedly looked at his shoulder, bandaged, and then back at Eddie. Had it not caused him pain, Eddie would have rolled his eyes. “Dislocated shoulder. I might need a minor surgery to correct it but it’s not so bad.”

“Why are you all of a sudden Mr. Bright Side?” Buck’s eyes narrowed.

“Because you’re clearly upset and it really could have been worse. Also, I think I’m on the good stuff.”

“You’re on the good stuff.”

“I’m on the very good stuff,” Eddie confirmed with a loopy smile. Buck shook his head in disbelief and let his hand go, drawing the chair a little closer to the bed.

“How’s Christopher? Bobby said something about you picking him up from school.”

“Yeah.” Buck ran his fingers through his hair. “Poor kid couldn’t understand why I was the one picking him up from school. Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy taking him out for ice-cream, all the while not knowing what the hell was going on with you. I thought –” Buck’s voice broke into a thousand pieces and he wiped at his face, trying to collect himself a little. “It’s been hard, Eddie. It’s been really hard trying to keep all that away from him.”

“Thank you, Buck. Thank you for taking care of my son.”

“You have nothing to thank me for. Nothing.” The fierceness of the words though contrasted with the gentle way in which Buck rested his hand on Eddie’s healthy shoulder, the distance between them obliterated again. “God, I’m sorry, Eddie! I should have been there for you. I should have –”

“Buck, what are you talking about?” His open palm rested over Buck’s heart. “I was in a car accident. You most definitely shouldn’t have been there with me. That truck rammed into the right side of my car. You would have been gone on impact. I’m grateful that it was just me. I’m so relieved that it wasn’t Christopher or you with me in the car.”

“I know, I know, but – _Jesus_ , Eddie, Chim said that he’d never seen Cap turn as white as he did when Lynch called it in. Had it not been for Lena's update on your situation when they brought you in, we would have gone insane with worry by the time we reached the hospital.”

“I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“If I’m not allowed to say sorry, then you’re not allowed either.” Buck smiled ruefully. “Honestly, I don’t know why we keep apologizing when no one was really at fault.”

“Well, you started it.”

“Huh, you must be feeling better already if you’re willing to exchange jabs with me.”

Eddie was sure that his poor attempt at a smile did nothing to soothe Buck’s worries but he tried his best. Buck’s presence made him feel safe, like everything was going to be all right and all he had to worry about was his son. And Buck was going to fix that for him as well.

The thought of his son made Eddie’s heart twinge painfully. “Is Christopher really okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, Eddie, I promise.” Buck leaned back against the chair but didn’t take his hand away, gently holding on to Eddie. “I arranged with Carla to help abuela today and drop him off to school. Later, I was thinking of picking him up and bringing him here. Tell him a little about the accident.”

“I want to see him.” Eddie bit the inside of his cheek; the medication made him more honest and open than he might have usually been. “I need to see my son.”

“Okay, okay, don’t worry. I’ll bring him.”

How could a hospital room reduce the entire world to just the two of them? How could such a small space encompass so much? The sudden possibility of missing out so much made Eddie’s chest painfully constrict. He was being selfish when it came to Buck, yet he couldn’t let him go. The weight of Buck’s hand on him anchored him, pulled him back together.

“Will you stay until then?” Eddie aimed for casual but it came all weak and painfully shy.

Buck nodded softly. “Of course. In fact, I should go and inform the doctor you’ve woken up.” He rubbed at his eyes like a small child, the gesture so sweet that Eddie’s heart ached with the need to press each other closer, to hug him and never let him go. He reached for him and Buck quickly obliged, grabbing his hand and holding it tight.

Just then, the door opened and a petite lady in green scrubs entered followed closely by Bobby. She had keen blue eyes and smiled brightly when she spotted them. “Ah good morning, Mr. Diaz. Nice of you to join us again. My name is Dr. Lawrence. How are you feeling this morning?”

Eddie smiled back and answered her questions for the next ten minutes, all the while holding Buck’s hand. Determinedly. Selfishly. Greedily.

**

Two weeks out of the hospital and Eddie’s heart was full of love for his family at 118.

Eddie thought he understood what family of choice was all about. Somehow he had been under the misguided belief that he had learned the lesson the first time he needed help when he had to bring Christopher at the station, when everyone rallied to help him take care of his son, keeping him entertained and playing games with him.

He had been wrong.

He had never known what _found family_ meant until he had to stay at home with a son that needed him more than ever. He had let himself be overwhelmed just for a moment by the sheer difficulty of his situation. However, it all lasted less than a moment because his friends rallied around him like he was a favorite project of theirs. He was utterly bewildered by how they came to help in between shifts, organize fun activities for Christopher to keep him occupied and engaged so that Eddie could have time to rest and properly heal. Their fridge was full of casseroles, their hearts full of love and gratitude.

It had been a herculean task to convince his family not to fly over from El Paso and nothing short of Bobby’s promise to keep them posted had soothed them. Eddie had no doubt that they would all come to visit him sooner or later if he was to judge by how his parents implied for the millionth time that had he been in El Paso, this wouldn’t have happened. He almost lashed out at them. What wouldn’t have happened? The accident? Him and his son being properly taken care of by people that never judged his choices, even when he made dumb ones like street fighting?

Instead of saying all that, he took a deep breath and let that go. Strangely enough, it had been one of life’s rare crystal-clear moments when it all made sense: his dad would never be as supportive as Bobby had been (ever since they met); his mom would never apply the kind of tough and supportive love like Athena, who’d never belittle his efforts or his choices. He’d been more firm when his dad made another remark about being closer to family and then pointedly remarked that he’d let them know when he’d be ready for their visit.

Naturally, his reassurances that he was going to recover just fine without them and that he and Christopher were taken care of didn’t stop Adriana and her husband Sam to come on behalf of the whole Diaz family and camp on their couch for three days. His sister had been shaken by his accident and she had cried the first time when she’d seen him bruised and battered. Sam’s eyes had been suspiciously liquid as well so Eddie hadn’t had it in him to tell them that they shouldn’t have come.

He had been especially grateful when Adriana helped him dodge his parents’ phone calls and only made him talk to Sophia. His little sister had wanted to come but she couldn’t take time off from work so Adriana was keeping her up to date with everything while Sam took Christopher to the park or for ice cream. Eddie’s heart didn’t flutter in the most delicious manner when Buck joined them for dinner in between shifts, the warmth of the evening carrying Eddie through the pain of his shoulder and his bruised ribs.

“I understand now why you don’t want to move back to El Paso,” Adriana said softly like a secret. They had been lounging on the couch on her last day in LA, his head on the soft curve of her shoulder, her hand running tenderly through his hair. Sam made Christopher laugh in the kitchen and Eddie’s heart was full. “You are loved. You have a new family here.” She leaned forward and gently kissed his forehead, her smile wobbly and sweet. “I’m happy for you, hermanito. I really am.”

He blushed and kissed her cheek and let her take care of him a little longer. It was something that he needed as much as she did.

Once Adriana had been satisfied that Eddie was not going to die and Christopher wasn’t about to waste away due to malnourishment, she returned to El Paso and proceeded to pester him with video calls, Sam’s apologetic smile and Gaby’s eye-roll constant companions in the background.

But Adriana had not been wrong. In fact, Eddie had surprised himself more than once being close to tears when Chimney and Maddie came by for a game night, making Christopher laugh and playing with him. Other times, Hen and Karen would take Christopher out for walks and zoo visits and ice cream in the park, just simple playdates where he and Denny would get to be kids and have nothing to worry about.

He would feel bashful and grateful when Bobby would stop by, accompanied by Athena and the kids, and cook for them and tell jokes. Bobby would keep a careful eye on Eddie and on his progress – he’d ask questions about physio and medication and everything else in between like a dotting father – and there were times when Eddie didn’t know what he should do with himself. It was so different from the way his father had treated him throughout his life and the way he’d been taught to be; so much so that at times Eddie felt out of sorts like someone had just snuffed out all the life in the world, his ears ringing with the silence of his own doubts.

However, Bobby appeared to be attuned to Eddie’s s mood because he would come closer and rest his hand on Eddie’s healthy shoulder, reminding him that he had people he could count on, that he didn’t always have to be strong, that it was all right to be overwhelmed by the concern and constant presence of other people in his life, in his space. Eddie would nod and bite his lip and feel uselessly grateful, knowing he’d never be able to compensate these people for what they had done for him and Christopher. But Bobby’s kind eyes and wise words reminded him that he’d never have to. _Family, remember?_ Bobby had said more than once.

And no one proved that more than Buck. He had become a permanent fixture in their home, besides Carla and Abuela. In between his shifts, he’d present himself at Casa Diaz, ready to cook or entertain Christopher or take care of Eddie. And in those first few days after coming from the hospital, it hadn’t been an easy mission. But after Adriana left and they seemed to settle down in a sort of a routine of their own, Eddie began to crave the little moments when they’d be together and talk, soft and quiet, Christopher a warm presence between them.

Through his kind voice and gentle hands, Buck taught him more about accepting help than all those months working together. Buck was able to see the world in vibrant and genuine colors and Eddie had the privilege to witness that, for once, unhurried and appreciative.

Those first few days hadn’t been easy. Terrible headaches left him exhausted and unable to concentrate for long, while his battered shoulder would throb and the bruised ribs warned him that there were only so many positions in which he could sleep or relax.

“Don’t leave,” Eddie mumbled one evening when Buck helped him get ready for bed, sling carefully taken away, warm hands and tender touches.

Rendered honest by pain and exhaustion, the vulnerability of the moment poured over Eddie like an unstoppable deluge. For a staggering moment, Buck froze, hands halfway towards Eddie, arrested in the middle of a thought that now seemed far away.

“What do you mean?”

Eddie uselessly cleared his voice as the words betrayed his shyness, “I mean don’t leave this evening. Stay here. We have a spare bedroom. You still have your work bag. There’s no point in you driving all that way to your apartment only to come back in the morning. Stay here tonight.”

“You’re sure?” At last, Buck’s hands rested carefully on Eddie’s sides, whether to keep himself steady or not, Eddie couldn’t tell. The only lamp in the room threw around a golden haze that made Buck soft around the edges, his shoulders stronger and wider than ever; Eddie was man enough to admit that the slight difference in their built made lust swoop into his belly, indifferent to the battered state of his body.

The moment suspended them in that oddly distant embrace, staring at each other, trying to gauge what the other was thinking.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Eddie answered at last as he sat down on the bed with Buck’s help, scooting a little, trying to find a comfortable position. He raked his brain for something to take away the slight solemnity of Buck’s eyes, his quiet demeanor, as he too sat at the edge of the bed. “Plus, Christopher will be quite happy to have you over breakfast. Even on a good day, my pancakes can’t compare to yours, apparently.”

“Of course you want me only for my food.” But the faint smile on his lips didn’t reach his eyes and Eddie wondered if he shouldn’t have joked, if he should have said something else.

But when Buck made a move to stand up, Eddie grabbed his wrist quickly, his thumb pressing tighter into the warm skin. “I know I don’t say this enough, Buck, but thank you for everything. Thank you for being here for me.”

The beautiful curve of Buck’s lips twitched in affection. “Hey, that’s what friends are for, Eddie. You have my back, I have yours, remember?”

“I know, I know.” Eddie closed his eyes, exhaustion peeking around the edges of his consciousness like a curious neighbor. “But you’ve gone above and beyond for me. I – I don’t think I would have been able to go through all of this without you. Christopher either.”

“As long as you don’t pull this shit again.” Buck’s words sounded harsh enough to make Eddie open his eyes and stare back at his best friend. Buck’s mouth had crumbled into an unhappy line, a deep frown marring his usually bright face. “You really scared me, Eddie. I thought – for a moment, I thought the worst happened. Don’t ever leave me, Eddie. Not like that.”

Eddie blinked a few times, swallowing thickly against the sudden swell of emotions washing over him. “You know I can’t promise you that. Things happen in life and when you think about the job that we do… I know nothing in life is a given, but I can promise you that I’ll always fight to come back to my family. And that family is Christopher and you.” Eddie bit his lip afraid that too much was coming out to the surface so he added quickly, “And Cap and Hen and Chimney. I’ll always do my best.”

Buck cupped his cheek, his thumb sweeping the tender skin under his eye. The touch was instantly scalding, an invisible brand of the sweetest kind. “As long as you promise.”

“You should make the same promise as well. I wasn’t the one caught under a firetruck or caught up in a tsunami or just about decide to take the reckless route every other day.”

“Hey now!” The banter didn’t take away the solemnity of the moment, the intimacy of it pressing against Eddie’s ribs in the sweetest way. “I’m not that bad.”

“Yeah, let’s not go there, amigo.” They held on to each other as if one wrong move might separate them forever. The certainty that Buck needed this just as much as he did made Eddie smile faintly. “So you promise too?”

“Yeah, I promise. I’ll do my best to always come back to you and Christopher.”

“And you’ll stay tonight?”

“Yeah, I’ll stay tonight.”

Eddie closed his eyes, exhaustion making his thoughts moving slower and slower. “Thank you.”

Maybe it was just his imagination, but he could feel Buck press his lips against his forehead in a tender kiss, his breath fanning over his left cheek. Eddie fell asleep that evening feeling an unbearable kind of warmth pooling inside his heart.

**

He was entering his third week of recovery and Eddie believed that he was making good progress. Too slow for his taste, but good nonetheless. Still on limited time when it came to screens and their light, Eddie was reading the newspaper to keep up with the news while drinking his coffee (decaf, _blegh_ ) when the main door opened with a loud bang. The sudden noise made him fumble with his mug.

“Don’t worry, it’s just me!” Buck yelled as he made his way into the house.

“I know it’s you.” Eddie smiled involuntarily as he put his mug down on the coffee table and stood up, heading to the hallway where Buck was wrestling with two bags full of shopping. “No serial murderer would bother to be so loud at ten o’clock in the morning.”

They hadn’t seen each other in thirty-six hours and Eddie never realized how long sometimes their shifts were until he had to wait for Buck at home, yearning for his presence in the house. _Dios_ , he was really turning all mushy inside.

Buck winked at him. “Har, har! I see we woke up this morning in full clown mode.”

“You know it. Need help with anything?” Eddie asked more as a formality as he already knew the answer.

“No, I got this.” Buck managed to twist his body somehow as the door closed with another bang.

“Did you just slam my door again?”

A sharp intake of breath. “Nope! Definitely not! There’s a bit of draft.”

“You know I can close a door, right? It’s not that big of an effort.”

“It was just the draft,” Buck insisted, smirking when he noticed Eddie’s eye-roll.

“There’s no draft in my house. Come on, let me help. Give me one, I’m not an invalid!”

“I didn’t say you were, but step away from my shopping bags!” Buck swung around, his large shoulders a perfect and enticing shield, and made his way in the kitchen. Eddie sighed put upon but followed him in the kitchen as Buck continued to ramble, “I decided that today we are going to have chicken frittatas for dinner so I made a quick stop after work and bought some things that we might need.”

Eddie sat down at the kitchen table as Buck moved around with easy familiarity, putting things away. The sun was spilling messily into the room, chasing his friend around. Buck's blue t-shirt would generously show peeks of skin every now and then and seriously, Eddie shouldn’t be lusting so after his best friend. Was he being disrespectful? He was definitely disrespectful! Eddie took a deep breath – well, as deep as his ribs allowed him – and just let himself be in the tranquility of the moment.

“I was thinking of ordering Chinese for lunch since it’s just going to be just the two of us.” Buck looked at him over the cupboard door, tight smile and solemn eyes. Something uneasy pricked Eddie. Something was wrong. “Unless you feel more like Thai?”

“Nah, Chinese sounds good. But don’t worry about lunch. You need to sleep.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Buck closed the cupboard and then turned around and put the chicken in the fridge. “I think I’m too awake at the moment – I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep any time soon.”

“You should try.” Eddie watched him, frowning. He kept his voice low when he said, “You seem upset. Something happened at work? Is everyone all right?”

“Yeah, everyone is fine, don’t worry about it.” The deep frown marring his forehead said something else.

“Buck.”

“I’m fine, Eddie. Really.” He washed his hands in the kitchen sink and wiped them quickly.

“You’re not fine.” Eddie stood up and came closer. “Something clearly bothers you. You know I’m here to listen to you as well, right?”

“I don’t want to make this about me,” Buck confessed in a tiny voice, his eyes watching Eddie’s wrapped shoulder. Something terribly bitter clawed at Eddie’s chest – he remembered throwing those words around once or twice and apparently, they made quite an impact on Buck. Eddie took in the tense line of Buck’s lithe body, the way he crossed his arms and refused to look at Eddie and seriously, he needed to act on this sudden need to be there for him as well.

Normally, he’d let it go, he’d let Buck come to him when he needed. Eddie thought at times that he behaved with people the way he wanted other people to behave with him: not pushing the boundaries, not making him talk when he clearly didn’t want to (he so rarely did want to anyways). However, Buck was not like that – Buck wanted to open up, his communication skills vastly better than Eddie’s.

“You’re not making anything about you,” Eddie said gently at last. “You’ve done nothing but take care of me and Christopher and be there for us. And I want to be there for you too.”

“But –”

“You had a bad day at work.” Eddie gently grabbed him by the chin and made him look at him. “You can tell me your problems. Just because I’m hurt, it doesn’t mean I can’t be here for you or listen to you. You have my back, I have _yours_. You can tell me if you want to talk about it. Please, Buck.”

They stared at each other, Eddie aware of his hand on Buck, possessive and real. There was a sort of wonder in Buck’s tired eyes that made Eddie blush, the world swooping dangerously in a dizzying dance of emotions. The raw emotion jolted the space between them and the need to shy away from it made Eddie breathe a little faster and chew the inside of his cheeks. He didn’t want to shy away from it or run away from this moment.

Carefully, Buck took Eddie’s hand away from his chin and held it tighter in his, their fingers intertwined. Eddie could feel the blush make even his ears burn with its heat, but remained put.

“There was this family,” Buck began, voice brittle as if he took a shot of gravel. “When we arrived, the house was engulfed in flames and – it looked bad, Eddie. It looked really bad.” Buck’s forehead came to rest on Eddie’s shoulder, hiding away the pain that now was visible in the stubborn jut of his jaw. He began talking about the fire in a cracked voice, holding on to Eddie’s hand like a man about to drown.

Long after he finished, they sat there in the kitchen, holding on to each other, the only regret that Eddie had being his inability to hug Buck and hold him tight. And if he took Buck to bed and let him curl around him, holding hands, soft breaths and gentle caresses, well, no one was going to hear about it.

Eddie woke up an hour later, their hands holding tight still, Buck breathing softly against his right shoulder, the intimacy of the moment overwhelming in its simplicity.

If only he could have this every day…

**

One afternoon, Eddie woke up to giggles coming from the kitchen. He had been napping on the couch for the past hour, propped between pillows, his book having fallen at an awkward angle between his thighs. He yawned and rubbed at his eyes like a little kid. It was almost frightening how much his body still needed to recover and how tired he seemed to be at times.

Another burst of chuckles made him crane his neck towards the kitchen. Yeah, his boys were definitely in there, doing _Dios_ knew what. Eddie smiled despite the pang of melancholy blooming like an elderflower on the rocks of his heart. He would love to wake up to this wonderful sounds every day for the rest of his life. Cocooned in the knowledge that Buck would always be there for Christopher, that his son might have lost a mother but had gained another father perhaps – well, needless to say, Eddie had stopped doubting his decision to move to LA a long time ago.

He chuckled softly when he heard Christopher’s voice saying something and Buck bursting out laughing. He stood up and noticed the glass of water that Buck put on the coffee table for him. The idea that Buck registered his need to hydrate as soon as he’d wake up made Eddie’s grin grow even wider if that was possible. He emptied it quickly and brought it with him when he made his way to the kitchen to see what his boys were up to.

“Uhm, what is going on here?” he asked as soon as he took in the state of the room.

Buck and Christopher were sitting at the kitchen table, a mess of paper, watercolors, string, glue, and brushes spilling chaotically on the table. Christopher had streaks of blue on his face and a beautiful rainbow of colors on his hands while Buck looked even worse for wear, his green t-shirt a mess of colors and hands covered in white glue and bits and pieces of paper.

“Daddy!” Christopher stood up and hugged Eddie’s waist, careful not to touch him with his hands. “You woke up!”

“Who could sleep with such fun in the house?” Eddie smiled down at him and passed his fingers through Christopher’s soft curls. “Care to tell me what’s going on?”

“We’re making the solar system!”

“More like Christopher is making it and I’m trying not to get in his way too much.” Buck’s eyes crinkled adorably. “He began learning about the Solar System last week and they have several projects they can choose from. We decided to go with this one. It seemed like a good idea at the time.” Buck eyed the mess on the table. “I’m not so sure about it now.”

“Look, Dad,” Christopher said and pulled him towards the small desk at the window, “we have the Sun, Neptune, Jupiter, Earth, and Mars.” The small balls of sticky paper were painted neatly in the colors that designated each planet – they didn’t look perfect but they definitely looked like something made with love and way above the skill set that Eddie would bring to the table.

He smiled proudly. “Good job, boys!” He almost laughed at seeing both of them preening a little, proud grins blooming on their lips. “So what planets are you making now?”

Christopher sat back at the table and grabbed what looked like the smallest paper ball. “I’m painting Mercury and Buck is making Uranus.”

“I have no clue how we’re going to pull off Saturn’s rings,” Buck said, tipping his head back a little to look at Eddie, “but let’s ignore that for now. We still have Venus and Pluto.”

“Uhm, I thought that Pluto is no longer considered a planet.”

“Yeah, well, we respect Pluto’s rights in this house. And if we say that Pluto should be part of this planetary system, then it shall be so.” Eddie laughed, unwilling to resist the temptation to rest his hand on Buck’s shoulder. His best friend actually leaned against his abdomen and Eddie basked in the warmth of him. His thumb pressed a little harder in the meat of Buck’s shoulder, making him briefly close his eyes in the delight.

“Apologies for offending Pluto.”

“Apologies accepted.” Buck’s grin was a delicious thing just waiting to be tasted. He looked up again at him. “By the way, how does lasagne sound for dinner?”

“Sounds good to me. Thank you, Buck.”

“No need to thank me. I honestly don’t want to die of food poisoning if I let you cook.”

“First of all, I’m not such a bad cook.” Eddie rolled his eyes as he pulled away and grabbed a chair to sit at the table between his boys. He didn’t want to admit to himself but from the eye-roll he got from both of them, he might have also been pouting. Just a little!

“Dad, you kind of are.”

“Hey, you’re supposed to be on my side!” Eddie ruffled Christopher’s hair just to be obnoxious, but his son giggled in response.

“Dad, I’m always on your side, but Buck cooks way better than you.”

“I’m deeply hurt by this shameless claim.” Eddie rubbed at his chest. “What a sad day to see that my own son could betray me so.”

“It’s not betrayal if it’s the truth,” Buck replied smartly, and Eddie just had to slap his arm so he could smear more paint on his other hand, then grinned innocently when Buck scowled playfully at him. “Maybe you want to make the lasagne tonight.”

“Excuse me? Injured person here.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that excuse before.”

“Hey!”

Christopher’s peals of laughter made Eddie’s heart burst with joy.

“Well, hurry up then and heal up so you can charm us with your mad skills in the kitchen.”

“You know what? Now that I think about it, I will be pretty busy once I’ll make a full recovery, so maybe I should let you be in charge of the kitchen.”

“Yeah, our stomachs gladly agree with that.”

“Hey, should you be so mean to your best friend?”

“I should be truthful, which I am.” Buck winked at him.

“Don’t worry, Dad! We still love you just the way you are!”

“Yeah, Eddie, don’t worry, we love you just the way you are, bad cook and all!” Buck laughed out loud when Eddie scowled at him, but then leaned closer to him and gave him a sloppy kiss on the cheek. “Relax, man! You just sit here and look pretty, maybe think of a solution for Saturn’s rings, while me and Christopher handle the tough jobs.”

“Har har, you’re so funny!” Eddie tried to ignore the blush that made even his ears burn in equal delight and embarrassment.

“I know I am.”

They continued to banter well into the afternoon to Christopher’s delight, even more when Buck came up with the most unusual idea for Saturn’s rings. Heart full of love for both of them, Eddie sat between them and watched them work together, a sense of peace and contentment washing over him. He wanted to let himself sink to the depth of the love he felt for Buck and Christopher and hold on tight to it. The only obstacle that stood between him and having that was his courage to be honest with his best friend about his feelings. It suddenly hit him that Buck had already mentioned that nothing happened with that Charlie guy ( _Good!_ he had thought viciously at the time); that even if Buck didn’t have any romantic feelings towards him, he’d never leave. Buck had been with him through thick and thin, especially after the accident. The conviction of this truth rolled in his chest like a wrecking ball.

 _He’d never leave._ Eddie swallowed thickly, his eyes lighting up in wonder.

“Hey, where are you?” Buck asked, nudging him gently with the knee.

Eddie looked up at him and he could feel his smile crank up a notch. “Don’t worry, you’re both right there with me.” He ignored the sudden flutter in his chest when Buck’s smile turned into a soft and beautiful thing and paid attention to Christopher when he started spewing facts about the Solar System.

There was no place in the world where Eddie Diaz wanted to be more in that moment.

**

“Want to go to the beach for our usual walk today?” Buck asked a few days later, morning sun bathing the living room in beautiful hews of golden. They had gotten into the habit of taking walks in the morning after they would drop Christopher to school to build up physical exercise back into Eddie’s routine. And he enjoyed every moment that he could share with Buck during those walks: the soft brush of their shoulders, the secret smiles that kept the conversation between them, the easy camaraderie that never seemed to leave their moments.

Eddie looked up at Buck, wide smile and eyes softly crinkling in irresistible delight. He was powerless against Buck’s charm so early in the morning so he just nodded in muffled pleasure. He picked a green t-shirt to cover the sickly yellowish bruises that still marred his chest and some grey cotton shorts that had seen better days. Buck helped him carefully pull the sling up, his hands gentle and scalding everywhere they touched him. They left them breathless, his cheeks flushed in embarrassment. Lately, it felt like he was made and unmade by Buck’s hands.

“Hey, I have your back, remember?” Buck’s word came out soft and careful, misunderstanding Eddie’s unease. “How many times have you helped me hobble to the bathroom when my leg was in pieces? This is just like that.”

“I know, but you shouldn’t have to.”

“I know I shouldn’t but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.” Buck’s smile was a beautiful thing, tender and genuine.

“Thank you.”

A phrase that would never be enough for what Buck did for him in the recent weeks (and not only). For the millionth time, he craved to keep Buck’s body close to his, he wanted to wrap his healthy arm around Buck’s wide shoulders and hold on and on and on. Let himself be wrapped around that strong body and be cared for the way only Buck could. He didn’t want to lose this but he didn’t want to keep going on without coming clean to him.

A cool breeze rolled into Buck’s car as they made their way to the beach. Buck would look at him every now and then, keep the flow of conversation between them, giddy for some reason. The pink t-shirt folded around his shoulders like the arms of a loved person, Eddie’s fingers flexing reflexively, eager to touch and caress. The sun rays would get caught in Buck’s hair, a messy hallo of golden strands, and Eddie was so in love with him it hurt to breathe.

“What?” Buck asked when they stopped at the traffic light, a ray of sunshine caught on his five o’clock shadow.

“Nothing.” Eddie smiled, oddly at peace.

They parked the car and Buck grabbed his backpack, which had a couple of water bottles and some fruit. Eddie was grateful for the windy day, how his sling still heated him up but not so bad as to become uncomfortable. They walked slowly, their toes dipping now and then in the wet sand, washed away by the ocean. Buck would talk about something that happened at work or about the new bet that Hen and Chim had on about who might be Martin’s new girlfriend, and Eddie would nod and hum. But, for most of their walk, they remained silent, admiring the ocean or the people that walked close by or jogged or prepared to swim.

It took him about a quarter of an hour into their walk back to finally gather enough courage to speak up at last.

“So,” Eddie pushed through the sudden lump in his throat, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about a couple of things.” He could feel his smile stretching tight at the seams when Buck looked back at him. “If that’s okay with you. I’m actually glad that we got this morning all to ourselves.”

A faint answering smile bloomed on Buck’s lips. “You know that it sounds kind of ominous, right?”

“No, well,” Eddie shook his head and stopped to admire the ocean, suddenly unable to look at Buck anymore, “it’s not ominous, just serious I guess. I mean, uhm, maybe just serious enough to warrant Christopher being at school and have this conversation between just the two of us and -”

“Eddie, stop beating around the bush and start talking. You’re freaking me out here.”

Eddie took a deep breath and stared down at his feet sunk in the wet sand, then looked up at Buck – a big frown matched the unhappy curve of his lips and Eddie had to fist his hand hard in order to stop himself from reaching out and pressing against that soft curve with the tip of his thumb.

“I wanted to ask you something important and you’re free to say no, but if there’s anything that this accident drilled into me, again, is the fact that I shouldn’t be taking anything for granted. Ever. We don’t always share our shifts but you’re always there for me and Christopher. And I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to be added as an emergency contact for Christopher at school, but also to be one of my emergency contacts.”

“ _Eddie_.” His name never sounded like that before, like it designated an impressive person, someone miraculous, and yet for some reason, when Buck said his name like that, in that muted reverence, it sounded just like that.

“It’s not something that you have to decide now,” he barged on, unsure whether Buck needed to be convinced of this or not. “I mean, I’ve had the forms for a while but honestly, you’ve always been amazing with Christopher and you’ve saved his life. And during the hardest periods in his life, you’ve been there for him. And for me too.” Eddie pulled in another breath before adding, “I’m grateful to you, Buck. I know that I can always count on you and I don’t want you to wait for information or to find out from other people if something was to happen to me again. I don’t want you to ask for Aunt Pepa or call my family or anything like that.” Eddie bit his lip. “I thought that it would help, you know, keeping closer tabs to each other. If that would be something you –”

“Wanted?” Buck interrupted him with a heavy hand on his good shoulder. “Jesus Christ, Eddie, of course I’m going to say yes! It’s always going to be yes when it comes to you and Christopher, man, don’t you know this by now? Also, for fuck’s sake, could you please ensure that ‘something else happening to you’ isn’t going to actually happen any time soon?” Buck’s smile was an unhappy tiny thing.

“I’ll try my best.” Eddie smiled back, letting himself be anchored by Buck’s warm hand on his shoulder, basking in the open affection that was offered to him so freely. “Thank you, Buck.”

“What the hell are you thanking me for?” Buck’s hand squeezed a little harder, his thumb finding a sliver of skin. “I should be thanking you. You and Christopher are my family too, you know that.”

“We are?” The wonder in Eddie’s voice made Buck frown.

“That’s cute! If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were dropped on your head when you were little. Of course you are, Eddie! How many times have you been there for me when I broke my leg? Or after, when I didn’t know what to do with myself? Honestly, you’ve been there for me so many times when I needed you. You’ve always had my back. And I hope I had yours when you needed it too.”

“Of course you did, Buck!”

“Then I have no clue why you are so surprised that I accept this. It would be my honor. Seriously, Eddie, thank you. I promise I won’t let you down.”

“And I promise I won’t let you down either.” Eddie looked down at his toes covered in sand. He pushed a little further. “Since you consider us family – I mean since we agreed that we are family maybe – I was wondering if you maybe want to make this thing mutual? Me being one of your emergency contacts so I can be there for you too. If that’s also something you might want.”

One of Buck’s hands came to rest at the back of his neck and Eddie simply melted into the touch. When he looked up at Buck, his eyes were like liquid blue fire.

“Yes.” His fingertips dug into Eddie’s skin a little harder. “Eddie, _yes_. I guess this is how things work in a family.”

Eddie swallowed thickly, his stomach suddenly swooping dizzyingly, as Buck wrapped his other arm around him and pulled him in a gentle hug. There had been times in Eddie’s life when the burdens seemed to be piling up with no hope of relief anywhere near in sight. Being there on the beach, Buck’s arms around him, he felt like an Atlas relieved from his burden for the first time, Buck’s presence utterly overwhelming. He burrowed his face into the warm space of Buck’s neck, hiding the burning sensation behind his eyes and holding on his t-shirt tightly.

“Thank you.” His lips brushed on warm and salty skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

“You have nothing to thank me for,” Buck muttered and pulled away. “Are we good?”

“We’re perfect.”

“Not quite.”

Eddie frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You said that you had a couple of serious things to discuss with me. This is number one. What’s number two?”

A heady sense of unease washed over Eddie. He scratched at his unshaven cheek a few times, looking down and sideways at the ocean. He promised to himself that he’d do it today. His nerves were fraying, a sort of anxiety creeping inside his heart similar to the one that clenched at his chest, cold and unwavering, when faced with something that sat heavily on his heart.

Doubts pushed to the surface with the force of a hurricane. It felt selfish to be asking so much from Buck already.

“It doesn’t matter,” Eddie answered, at last, scratching at his stubbled cheek again. “It wasn’t as important as this.”

“I still want to hear it.”

“I don’t think you do.”

“Eddie?” Buck grasped his good shoulder and Eddie actually flinched. Buck’s face immediately morphed into an expression of disbelief tinged with hurt. He opened his mouth a few times but nothing came out. Eddie swallowed thickly and rubbed at his face because this was truly pathetic, even by his own standards. He wouldn’t leave. _Buck wouldn’t leave_. But then again what if he did? Was this all right to ask this from him as well?

His best friend seemed to gather his thoughts as well because when he spoke again, his voice calm and rigid, Eddie felt shame simmering in his gut, hot and bitter like nothing else.

“I don’t push with you as much as I push with the others,” Buck said, “because you usually push back just as hard or you close off completely. Rarely, you open up a little so I catch glimpses of what’s underneath this stoic persona of yours.” Buck shifted his weight and looked determined. “I know you trust me, otherwise you’d never have shared Christopher with me. So trust me a bit more. You need to meet me halfway. You need to understand that you can always be honest with me and –”

“I’m in love with you, Buck,” Eddie blurted in a staggering moment of complete honesty. Buck sucked in a shocked breath, a tiny sound leaving his lips as if he was flayed open. Eddie’s ears rang in alarm, hand clammy, the world narrowing down to just the two of them. He added softly, “You don’t have to say anything, and if you’re willing, nothing needs to change between us. I’m still your best friend, that’s never going to change. I just – uhm, I just – _Dios, Buck, I’m so in love with you_.”

“Eddie, I can’t –”

“I know, I know,” Eddie said quickly, a sense of despair clawing at his throat now, making him almost throw up words. “You can’t reciprocate, I know. You don’t have to worry about anything.” He bit the inside of his cheek hard, his jaw painfully clenched. His heart was breaking, but he wasn’t surprised. "I would never let my feelings for you destroy our friendship or act on them without your consent. You mean so much to me. I didn’t lie, you are family to me and Christopher. I’ll always have your back so please let me continue to be your friend.”

“How long?” Eddie looked at him uncomprehendingly. “How long have you been in love with me?” Buck asked, for once his face carefully blank, so much so that it hurt Eddie to even look at him, convinced more and more that he was about to get punched in the face.

“For some time now.”

“For how long, Eddie?” Buck’s face morphed in disbelief and wonder but it caught Eddie wrong-footed somehow. “For years? Days? Since before the accident? Since after the accident?”

Buck stepped in and cupped Eddie’s face in his warm hands and Eddie couldn’t breathe, his world narrowed down to that point of contact, the gentleness of the moment despite the lack of hope for him simmering beneath the surface of his skin. In a mad act of bravery, he turned his face into Buck’s palm and kissed it softly. “For months, Buck,” he confessed into the calloused skin, voice cracked as if he swallowed all the sand in the world. “Maldita sea, for months.”

Buck reeled him in, making Eddie open his eyes. A beautiful smile pulled at the corners of Buck’s gorgeous lips, his eyes liquid and resplendent. “You mean we missed out on whole months in which we could have done this?” Utterly lost, Eddie leaned into Buck’s touch more so Buck didn’t waste another second to pull Eddie into a deep and searing kiss.

The entire world whited out around him as he fell prey to Buck’s demanding lips; he caught Buck’s t-shirt in a fistful and pulled him closer still. _Buck was kissing him_ , he thought maniacally as soft lips mapped every inch of his own, as a gentle tongue delved deeper and chased the taste of him. Eddie had never felt owned by another person, by the mere physicality of a kiss, such as he was in that moment. Buck’s taste on his lips, his scent, his touch – everything about him drove Eddie insane with love and desire.

“What?” he mumbled uncomprehendingly against Buck’s lips when they pulled slightly away, due to severe lack of air, but unable to let him go. Their foreheads touched as Buck’s hands came to rest of Eddie’s hips.

“I love you too, you moron.” Buck laughed softly. “I love you so much it’s not even funny anymore. Have been so for months as well.”

“ _Buck_.” His name was a reverent prayer on Eddie’s lips.

“Goddamn it, Eddie! Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

“I was afraid,” Eddie confessed in the small space between the two of them, his eyes fluttering close, his cheeks aflame. He bit his lip and pushed on, “I was afraid that you might not feel the same, that I might not be good enough for you. That I couldn’t offer you want you need. Take your pick.”

“Eddie, you’re insane if you think that I didn't have the same doubts as you.” Buck’s smile was beautiful. “Don’t you think that I thought about all of this? That I wouldn’t be good enough for you or cared for you the way you needed. For crying out loud, you offered me your home and your son and a place in your life that I didn’t think I deserved.”

“Buck, you deserve _everything._ ”

“So do you.” Buck shook his head. “In fact, we both deserve to have this, to have each other. I’m so happy you got to be my friend first, that I got to be in Christopher’s life and learn to appreciate him first. That we got to share so many moments together so we can walk into this relationship with our eyes wide open, so I can get to honestly say I get to choose you with all my heart.”

“ _Dios_ , when did you become so wise?” Eddie pulled him down for another kiss, licking across the fullness of Buck’s bottom lip, a little weak at the knees. The small sound of pleasure that escaped Buck was music to his ears. “I choose you with all my heart, too, Buck. I love you,” he said, for once unafraid and giddy.

“I love you too. You and Christopher are my family. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“We should talk about this when we get home.” Eddie looked through his eyelashes at Buck. “I want us to tell Christopher and be open with the others about dating.”

“Yes, yes to everything. Just be prepared for the amount of ribbing we’re going to get from the team.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Buck pressed soft kisses on Eddie’s nose, the back of his ear, the line of his jaw. Then looked back at Eddie, his eyes arresting with the love that shone in them. “I want you to promise me something though. I need you to promise me to try and meet me halfway. We have to be open - _communicate_ with each other; otherwise, we’re not going to make it.”

The sheer horror of losing this after thinking that it was hopeless for so long made Eddie tremble, legs weak. He nodded, but when Buck rubbed his cheek against his, like a large and spoiled cat, he shuddered. “I promise.”

Buck kissed him one more time, then brushed his lips against the shell of Eddie’s ear. “Now, should we get home? I want to kiss you everywhere. I want to feel you on my tongue, swallow you whole and make you come until you know nothing but my name.”

“ _Dios, Buck_!” Eddie shuddered; his fingers spasmed on the thin material of Buck’s t-shirt.

Buck kissed him then pulled him into another tender hug. “Don’t worry. We’ll take it slow,” he whispered. Eddie trembled in desire and love. “We’ll take it as slow as you want. We’ll take all the time in the world to discover each other, what we like, what makes us tick. I love you, Eddie. I’m in this for the long haul.”

“I think you’re it for me, Buck,” Eddie confessed in the grove of Buck’s shoulder, unburdened and free. “I love you. Thank you for choosing me.”

“Thank you for choosing me too.”

He leaned back just so he could admire the beauty of Buck's wide grin. Eddie smiled in answer and allowed himself to take in Buck, the comfort of his presence, the cut of his jaw, the delicious curve of his lips. All the pieces of him had finally fallen back into place. He allowed himself to breathe freely at last.

“Let’s go home.”

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. I don't even know what got into me ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ This was supposed to be a one-shot about Eddie and his feelings for Buck. However, it quickly turned into this massive story that ate my brain. Needless to say, I just proved myself that I am truly unable to write anything under 5k. Apologies for any mistakes left as English is my second language. 
> 
> **Translation:**  
>  Hermanito - _Little brother_  
>  Maldita sea - _Goddamn it_
> 
> And if you made this far, as always, thank you, kind reader, for choosing to spend time with this story. :)


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